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Saturday, Jun. 07, 2003 - 3:01 a.m.

Today, I with the help of a friend stumbled upon a new site that offers sparks for diary writing. I have had a really bad day, and some aspects of it were good. The work part, the school part, the children part, hell it was even relaxing cleaning my house.

Why did today suck you might ask? And if you didn�t than you are a pretty fucked up person for not wondering, just thought I would throw that out there for shits and grins. My day sucked because I am in trouble.

I am 30 years old and in trouble. Sometimes I look at my choice to subject myself to the things I subject myself to and I step back and say, laaien get a grip. Anyway I have ticked off Matt again. Sometimes I stop and wonder to myself if its worth it. Is it worth it to feel such abject horror at knowing you have ticked off someone? I mean it pales my outrage considerably. Outrage at knowing that I have completely pissed him off and it was a total pathetic reason why. I mean it was pathetic and not really even worth arguing over. It really wasn�t.

Anyway I digress. Today with the help of a friend I have this new site at my disposal. It�s a thought generator. I love it. I now don�t have to find a quote each day this one offers up a subject. I think I am in love.

Todays subject actually caused a pang in my stomach when I thought of it.

A freak microwave popcorn accident has landed you in the emergency room. The neurosurgeon informs you that in order to save your life, you'll have to sacrifice one of your five senses. Which sense � sight, smell, taste, touch, or hearing � could you live without? Why?

How much do you depend on each one of your senses every day? What is your most favorite experience with each? What would life be like with your chosen sense missing?

First of all let me take this moment to say, I have sat here for a good five minutes trying to picture in my mind WHAT the fuck happened to make a microwave popcorn accident so bad?

Then as is my normal custom I approached this logically. I lose my sense of smell and there goes my sense of taste anyways. From what I understand.

Now this may sound totally crazy too but I wear glasses, more often than not I have contacts in but I have noticed on the times I wear my glasses when I have them off and someone talks to me, I actually have to put them on so I can hear what they are saying. I don�t know if this is because I rely and have trained myself through my job to watch lip movements to see what someone is saying or if there is some type of relationship between sight and hearing too. But I know this is a fact for me.

Now then I had to stop and think of this on a strictly �feelings� level.

Sight; I need it to take care of my children. That is my main importance as I stopped and reflected on all of these senses. Without sight and hearing I would not be able to take care of my children as effectively as I do now. So those two were instantly crossed off the list. However there are more reasons.

Sight. As I write this I look out the window and keep pausing while I think, just to stare at the moon. My thoughts wander as I become totally engrossed in what I am seeing. As my thoughts wander I find myself mesmerized by the music I am listening to, so without hearing I would lose one of the very things that has become a vice to me.

Without touch I wouldn�t be able to do anything, unless they mean the intimate touch of someone, as in the touch of a hug, omg could you imagine never being able to feel someone hug you again? To never feel your childs hand as it slips into yours and feel that secret smile deep inside of you as you walk hand in hand for no other reason than at that moment they wanted to hold your hand. Every so often as either you or they see something that excites them you feel or give that little squeeze that says what so many words cannot. I don�t even need to continue with the other aspects of touch I would miss, I think this is enough for me to realize touch is a no go.

God I cannot imagine giving up a single sense. I don�t want to it makes me ache inside to even consider it. This question has done one thing for me. It has made me more aware of how beautiful sense is. It also has made me reflect on the things that make me smile, not the topical smile that only touches your lips, but the smile deep inside that warms you.

I miss Matt, he is not allowing me to speak to him right now and that aches. I don�t like this feeling inside of me as wait. The feelings of insecurity that reach up and grab me, insecurity of not being sure if he is going to find that he even wishes to continue to speak to me. I know I automatically think the worst. But I also know that I was already pushing my luck with him, and then this came about. I miss him, I miss him so completely and its only been a day. I wish he would speak to me again, even if its to yell and berate me, just so he speaks to me.

This waiting game is killing me, I cannot do it.

My eyes keep closing on their own, I am so completely tired. I think I am going to crawl into bed. As I go to bed I go to bed with one vow. I will not be afraid of popcorn. ....



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